North Korea-Kim Jong Il is Mad-What else is new?

(Photo caption: Hot Mamas from the North Korean Navy's favorite dance troupe prepare to do a group split.)

I know I speak for many when I say that I am simply shaking in my boots regarding Kim Jong Il’s announcement that North Korea will have a “physical response” to the war games and training activities that will be taking place in international waters off their coast. Kim, known in his own miserable backwater of a nation as the “Dear Leader,” is the de facto leader of North Korea and he rules with an iron fist. No velvet gloves here, my friend. Handsome and discerning, he is not. Perhaps a better way to describe the man is ruthless and paranoid. This guy is more paranoid than a meth addict with arrest warrants in an unregistered vehicle coming to a Highway Patrol check point.

A physical response by North Korea could take many forms. It could be that having that many foreign ships near their shores may lead to mass stomach upset. In that case, the physical response might be mass regurgitation by millions of North Koreans. That would put a terrible strain on their sewer system if they had one. Sans sewer systems, it is likely to pack the many drably colored outhouses throughout the country. I pity the poor Koreans del Norte holding back their plume of vomit with one hand over their mouths and another pushing others out of their way as they battle for an open spot in the “People’s Outhouse.” Oh, gosh, think of the dry cleaning bills!

What the Dear Leader is implying by his “Physical Response” is that he will commit North Korean forces to bring death and destruction upon the navies of the U.S. and South Korea. Our forces will be facing the East Sea Fleet, ten combat squadrons comprising some 470 vessels. That sounds impressive until you realize this is a “brown water” navy. Meaning the ships are primarily used for coastal defense and supporting Army operations along the coast. So, most of these 470 vessels are coastal patrol craft not much bigger than WW 2 PT boats. Yes, there is the occasional modern destroyer or guided missile patrol boat, but for the most part, North Korea relies on their submarines for offensive operations.

The South Korean Navy Destroyer, the Cheonan, was destroyed by a torpedo launched from one of these submarines. The Romeo class submarines are of an old 1950’s Soviet design and use diesel/electric motors. It is said that on silent running they are quieter than our own modern nuclear subs thus difficult to find underwater. One must listen carefully for the cavitations of the propellers as they move stealthily through the Sea of Japan. It is not surprising the Cheonan was unaware of the presence of one of these submarines nearby before it met its fate.

The threat of North Korean submarines should not be taken lightly. Though anti submarine warfare has come a long way it is often luck, not skill, which allows us to locate these slippery silent specters of the seas. I understand the North Koreans have highly disciplined crews. Let’s face it; if they screw up, the penalty is death either by a courts martial or the sinking of their sub. That would keep me in line for sure!

Their torpedo boats and guided missile patrol boats also pose their own difficulty when used as an offensive weapon as their speed and maneuverability can create problems for those ships tasked with defending against them. But, then again, if you have the U.S.S. George Washington out there with a full complement of attack helicopters, fighters, and a picket line of defensive destroyers and frigates, maybe it becomes another American Turkey Shoot.

There is a North Korean Air Force with which to contend. Pilot proficiency is based on hours flown and the quality of that flight time. It is stated that North Korean pilots are not as well trained as their counterparts in the south. Estimates state pilot proficiency is 60% at best versus South Korean pilots with many estimates rating North Korean pilots with less than 30% proficiency. They are very limited in how they may conduct operations as they are wholly dependent on others for materials such as missiles, fuel, radar, avionics, etc. The NKAF also supports an extensive anti aircraft system consisting of Soviet era anti aircraft missiles and radar directed anti aircraft guns around their military and industrial complexes. They boast an exceptionally large number of anti aircraft sites. They still use barrage balloons. Some may find this quaint unless you are a ground attack pilot preparing to pull up from a strafing run. The cable extending from a barrage balloon can just as easily take out an A-10 Warthog today as it would take out a Stuka dive bomber in WW2.

With all this talk of death, destruction, and war, maybe there is a better way for us to get along with the North Koreans. Maybe we could go out and buy them some new clothes. When I see the film of their parades and even just film of everyday life there, it seems they all wear the same sort of dreary quasi military uniforms in a lovely shade of olive drab with their little peaked caps with their cute little red stars on them. But let’s face it, after 60 years of wearing the same clothes day after day, year after year, life can take a bleak turn. I mean, where the heck is their fashion sense? Let’s open an outlet mall in Pyongyang! A little color might brighten their mood.